‘Which One of You Is Al Kaseltzer?’

by Diana Lenik

“Jim Shoe? Is Jim Shoe here?”

(“Poor substitute,” the class is thinking, “she must be new.”)

“If Jim Shoe isn’t here, where is Al Kaseltzer?”

(The class is now roaring with laughter.)

Jim and Al are as familiar to most students as the members of their families, since every time an attendance sheet is passed around they become members of the class. But has anyone ever considered Czar E. Abouthat or Barry Mesoon? The supply of names is limitless and it may even be habit-forming.

There are military names, like Private Bath, Colonel Ofcorn and General Welfare. For the scientists, may I suggest the Ray family – Alfie Ray, Betty Ray and Grandma Ray. Or if you prefer music, there is Don Wenowour-gayapparel, Iris Iwereindixie and soul sister – Jane Offools.

Besides their use delighting substitute teachers these names make good Sue Donims (didn’t I say it became habit-forming?) if you wish to pursue a writing career. They also can be used for writing biting letters to the editor when you wish to seem clever without possible embarressment.

Mia Myshadow, Pete Za or Judy Ism may not seem as close to you as Jim or Al but they are a little more original.

So next time the A. Nonamous urge strikes why not give Igor Beaver, Robin D. Cradle or Ron A. Round a chance?

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